It's 2am and my boys just got home a while ago from an Orioles game. You know how it's just not right until the door's been locked with everyone inside for the night....how a mom just can't rest until everyone else is resting? Well, everyone's home, but I just can't seem to be able to sleep and I find myself sitting here needing to write out what's on my mind. Maybe if I just say it, then I can rest. Maybe.
Here's the thing, my eldest child is heading off to college in 1 week and 1 day...and it's all I can do to say that without bawling like a big baby!
It dawned on me while I was waiting for them to get home that in just over a week I will not be waiting for Alex to come home. He'll be gone. Sleeping in a new bed...and his will be empty.
For generations moms have been sending their firstborns off to college...I KNOW, I'm not the first. But it feels like it. It seems like yesterday that he came into my world...and changed it forever. Seems like I just sent him off to kindergarten, trying to hide my tears behind the camera. And just a few minutes ago I was reading to him and watching him ride his bike for the first time.
I thought when I watched him drive away by himself for the very first time that we had reached an ultimate milestone....that he'd become so grown up.
But now...now I don't even have proper words to put to my thoughts.
I can't figure out how to say all the things that swell up inside me every morning. I can't figure out how to stop the clock for the next 8 days. I can't figure out how to explain to him how I can be so proud and excited for him at the very same time that my heart is breaking into pieces. In my mind there are all these things I want to say...like it's somehow my last chance to mother him and make sure he remembers everything I've taught him in the last 19 years. There are so many details to be attended to in this next week...so much left to be done. But all I want to do is turn back the clock 10 years and do it all over again.