"I hold on to You for dear life, and you hold me steady as a post..." Psalm 63

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

can't sleep...

It's 2am and my boys just got home a while ago from an Orioles game. You know how it's just not right until the door's been locked with everyone inside for the night....how a mom just can't rest until everyone else is resting? Well, everyone's home, but I just can't seem to be able to sleep and I find myself sitting here needing to write out what's on my mind. Maybe if I just say it, then I can rest. Maybe.
Here's the thing, my eldest child is heading off to college in 1 week and 1 day...and it's all I can do to say that without bawling like a big baby!
It dawned on me while I was waiting for them to get home that in just over a week I will not be waiting for Alex to come home. He'll be gone. Sleeping in a new bed...and his will be empty.
For generations moms have been sending their firstborns off to college...I KNOW, I'm not the first. But it feels like it. It seems like yesterday that he came into my world...and changed it forever. Seems like I just sent him off to kindergarten, trying to hide my tears behind the camera. And just a few minutes ago I was reading to him and watching him ride his bike for the first time.
I thought when I watched him drive away by himself for the very first time that we had reached an ultimate milestone....that he'd become so grown up.
But now...now I don't even have proper words to put to my thoughts.
I can't figure out how to say all the things that swell up inside me every morning. I can't figure out how to stop the clock for the next 8 days. I can't figure out how to explain to him how I can be so proud and excited for him at the very same time that my heart is breaking into pieces. In my mind there are all these things I want to say...like it's somehow my last chance to mother him and make sure he remembers everything I've taught him in the last 19 years. There are so many details to be attended to in this next week...so much left to be done. But all I want to do is turn back the clock 10 years and do it all over again.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

hmmm.... every time Justin leaves it seems the same emotions rise up and grab at my heart. Even today, in anticipation of Thursday, I know what you are feeling. A swelling pit in the stomach. I've learned that as it builds and bursts it also releases and quite suddenly you adjust to the new norm.

Hard to believe looking at them all that so much time has passed. Hard to believe that those big things came out of us!!!!

"There is a season for everything...."

Tammi

Anonymous said...

Wow Terri...I can't even imagine the feelings you have right now...thinking of you!!!!

love, carm

The lady of the house... said...

ok, crying like a baby and he's not even mine....you're in my thoughts as you adjust...

i'm just trying to decide if i should sent Tyler to preschool or not and quite frankly, i'm just not ready yet!!! and i'm still in charge! :-)

Sharon said...

How can I be having THREE of these grandkids going off to college already???? Justin went off today and then Alex and Eden next week! Such a bitter-sweet time of life. I miss them already! One more joint birthday party for these two on Sunday night and then we say a teary good-bye...all too soon. We are proud of them all and of both of you girls who have done all you can to give them the foundation they need to build their lives upon. One day they will rise up to call you blessed! Weren't you two just deciding whether or not to send them to preschool???

Love you! Mom

amy said...

Hey Terri,

I happened to take a look at my blog which I have been neglecting for weeks and clicked on your blog from sitemeter. Very nice.

My son leaves next Thursday as well. I know exactly how you feel my friend.

Hope you all had a fabulous vacation.

peace and prayers,
amy

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