"I hold on to You for dear life, and you hold me steady as a post..." Psalm 63

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Fighting Joy

I preach it
I try to choose it
but there are days I just fight to feel it.


On one hand I KNOW that I have no right not to choose it
just one look around me...
one really long, good look
and I KNOW I have no other choice 
but to sing thanks deeply 
and find JOY.

But since this is my space
 I'm deeming it a safe place
to just
be honest...

Today I'm just throwing it out there
that it is hard

I'm sitting on my back porch 

I love it back here,
it's quiet
except for the song of the birds
and the flow of the creek.

It's my favorite place to sit 
and be still

But some days...like today...
I'm tired of sitting here alone.

All three of my kids are otherwise occupied with jobs or friends tonight
{don't get me wrong I encourage it,
it's what they should to be doing}
But every once in a while the alone time is TOO much alone

And in those times the enemy finds a way to remind me that the time is coming soon...
they will all be gone
and I'll be alone every day.

It is what we raise our children to do...
to find their wings
and use them to start new things.

It is GOOD
It's the way it's supposed to be.

But we weren't meant to raise children alone
and then be alone again when their voices no longer echo in the halls.

We parent forever...
we're never really done, 
but I can see the years that they need me daily, drawing to a close,
in weak moments I look to what that means for me..
and I don't like what I find.

I fight the thought that while my friends will be enjoying their empty nests with their husbands,
mine will be spent in an empty house...
I try not to even let the thoughts be completed in my head,
but they are there
and they are real.

And I dig deep to remember
that this is not the way to choose JOY
all the wishing
and hoping
and wanting
and the forgetting what is right in front of me still.

Some days it's hard to turn off the direction of my thoughts
to rally
pull up the boot straps-
 because that's what I've learned to do.

Some days I just want to wonder...
to feel the pain
and just wonder.

It doesn't accomplish anything
but it reminds me I'm human.
And that I'm in need of words from the Only One who really understands

"For God is greater than our worried hearts 
and knows more about us than we do ourselves."
I John 3:20

I know well that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.
I know that it, too, is a choice I must make...

Amidst all of these things that are a constant, 
pushed way back in the back of my head
I know that somehow even this is good.
God deems it so

"We are assured and know that all things work together and are
 [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God
and are called according to [His] design and purpose."
Romans 8:28

and so I rally
and regroup
and train my thoughts on things that are of better use.

I am not asked to borrow worry from my tomorrows,
but to live out thankfulness in my todays

I find rest in knowing
HE knows
HE cares
HE understands
He can handle my 
"why's" and "what if's"
 for today
that is enough

"I call to God; God will help me. 
At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh deep sighs—
He hears, He rescues. 
My life is well and whole...God hears it all."
Psalm 55:16


Jeane` said...

Terri...I appreciate your honesty. I have to think, that no matter how many countless times you tap into God's vat for grace, gratefulness, joy, gratitude...and receive it, even then, the fact remains that raising children and then facing them leaving without the human, tangible, friendship-driven, passionate LOVE of a good man must just.plain.sucky.
(Sorry, i hate that word, but it was as strong as i would allow myself to go publicly.) Oh, Terri, I do not feel bad for you in a charitable kind of way, but my heart, soul and mind just wants so badly for God to move in very specific ways to fill that human void that cannot be discounted as anything but natural and right.

Love to you on this Saturday night. Love, and prayers...and wish that maybe this might be the year that He ushers in a handsome wind of change. And if He does not, that you will learn even more ways to live out your life with the grace and beauty and lack of desperation that you already do.


Mrs.Rabe said...

Terri - Tim was just mentioning today that just because we have gained wisdom or knowledge for today, tomorrow we need to gain it again for that day...if that makes sense. Daily, holding to the Lord's hand seeking what we need for each day....

amy said...

Your honesty is beautiful and refreshing as are you!

God bless you!

Sharon said...

I love you. Mom

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