Fighting Joy

I preach it

I try to choose it

but there are days I just fight to feel it.

JOY

On one hand I KNOW that I have no right not to choose it

just one look around me...

one really long, good look

and I KNOW I have no other choice 

but to sing thanks deeply 

and find JOY.

But since this is my space

 I'm deeming it a safe place
to just

be honest...

Today I'm just throwing it out there

that it is hard

I'm sitting on my back porch 

alone

I love it back here,

it's quiet

except for the song of the birds

and the flow of the creek.

It's my favorite place to sit 

and be still

But some days...like today...

I'm tired of sitting here alone.

All three of my kids are otherwise occupied with jobs or friends tonight

{don't get me wrong I encourage it,
it's what they should to be doing}

But every once in a while the alone time is TOO much alone

And in those times the enemy finds a way to remind me that the time is coming soon...

they will all be gone

and I'll be alone every day.

It is what we raise our children to do...

to find their wings

and use them to start new things.

It is GOOD

It's the way it's supposed to be.

But we weren't meant to raise children alone

and then be alone again when their voices no longer echo in the halls.

We parent forever...

we're never really done, 

but I can see the years that they need me daily, drawing to a close,

in weak moments I look to what that means for me..

and I don't like what I find.

I fight the thought that while my friends will be enjoying their empty nests with their husbands,

mine will be spent in an empty house...

I try not to even let the thoughts be completed in my head,

but they are there

and they are real.

And I dig deep to remember

that this is not the way to choose JOY

all the wishing

and hoping

and wanting

and the forgetting what is right in front of me still.

Some days it's hard to turn off the direction of my thoughts

to rally

and

pull up the boot straps-

 because that's what I've learned to do.

Some days I just want to wonder...

to feel the pain

and just wonder.

It doesn't accomplish anything

but it reminds me I'm human.

And that I'm in need of words from the Only One who really understands

"For God is greater than our worried hearts 

and knows more about us than we do ourselves."

I John 3:20

I know well that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.

I know that it, too, is a choice I must make...

Amidst all of these things that are a constant, 

pushed way back in the back of my head

I know that somehow even this is good.

God deems it so

"We are assured and know that all things work together and are

 [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God

and are called according to [His] design and purpose."

Romans 8:28

and so I rally

and regroup

and train my thoughts on things that are of better use.

I am not asked to borrow worry from my tomorrows,

but to live out thankfulness in my todays

I find rest in knowing

HE knows

HE cares

HE understands

and 

He can handle my 

"why's" and "what if's"

 for today

that is enough

"I call to God; God will help me. 

At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh deep sighs—

He hears, He rescues. 

My life is well and whole...God hears it all."

Psalm 55:16