The cycle of LIFE...

A friend of mine recently asked why I have not been blogging. And while I grappled for a good answer to give her, and came up with some pretty valid excuses that included things like busyness, and graduations, and work and such....the truth is, there is more to it than a neat little answer could explain.  I'm not sure I am ready to go into it all...actually, I'm not sure I even understand it myself.  Because, while all of the answers above are true and valid...it is deeper than all of that, and I'm not sure that anyone on the other side of this screen would really care to "go there"! 

Some days I sit here to write, and realize that what I have to say doesn't sound poetic or funny or entertaining at all.  Its sounds more like questioning and wrestling and a bunch of other words that sound more like struggle than anything else.  So I don't write...mostly because I don't want the questions and wrestling to come out sounding like things are in upheaval or out of control.  And I don't write because so much of it is deeply personal and just needs to be worked out between me and God.

But the thing is this, there's a lot of LIFE happening around here.  Because LIFE doesn't stop for you to ask questions and wait for answers.  You just have to keep going, because if you don't, you will have missed something of significance and never have the chance again.  

THIS is some of what LIFE has been doing around here lately:

This one has moved out 

{here he is, enjoying his last morning at HOME}

and his new bachelor pad home

and again, on his first grocery trip

She continues to grow

and chew...

and eat...

They goof off

He has graduated

{mmmhmmm...}

She has finished her first year of high school...

scored her first job, opened a checking account...

...and reminds me often that she will soon be old enough to drive.

There are deep questions being asked inside me...questions I rarely voice audibly, but have been there for many years.  Not questions of Faith or of Trust...just questions with unseen answers.  The questions lie dormant for clusters of days.  Inevitably, they return without warning, as was the case this morning.

Who knew that reading about Adam and Eve would put to orbit
 those nagging questions that cycle around me?
But, it started with reading a few words,
and ended with my journaling a few more words that looked something like this:


"Somewhere along the line, perfection just wasn't enough...because there was this tree that was off limits...and Eve didn't like that there was something she was not allowed to have.  How like us.  She had it all...and "all" was just not enough when she realized that there was actually more to have.  And so she gave in to her ingratitude and her longing for more...she took what was not hers and sin entered the lives of all of us.  Forever.


...SO we labor and we sweat, we have conflict, we battle with discontentment.  We wish for what we don't have, and are ungrateful for what we do.
  And life is hard...not at all the way it was created to be.  But we did it to ourselves.  And if not Adam and Eve, then it would have been someone else.  It would have been me.  Because I am just like Eve in so many ways. Having been blessed with much, I still want more.  Not in tangible things...in stuff...but in life.  I don't want ONLY what I have...I want what I have, plus more.  Not LESS than what I have...just added-to.  


And the cycle of Eve continues through me.  Unless I learn from her failures and live with gratitude in the here and now.  Because if I look at tomorrow...it's not enough.  If I look even farther...my heart panics."


There you have it...just a little bit of the ugly truth that battles inside of me.  The nagging questions of -how life got to be this way...why do I find myself still walking through life single...how is all of this wonderful life that is mine STILL not enough?  

Funny thing is, just thinking and wondering about these same questions hasn't changed or resolved ANYthing.  The questions still remain, just like they did the last time I asked them.  So I'll do the same thing I did when I discovered the same thing the last time I asked the same thing {smile}....I will resolve to stop asking today.  And I will resolve to just keep walking forward.  And I'll read and reread what I have already penned in permanent ink:

"And today...the only words that whisper Hope my way are these: 

"Be Still...know that I AM GOD."

No definitive answer.

No resolution.

Just a whisper of knowing...that He gets it....and He is still God.  

And apparently that is all I need to know."

{* Note to my friend who dared to ask why I am not blogging....sorry, YOU asked me!}

Today...

It's Monday morning and I'm wrapped in a blanket on the back porch 

Not going to lie- it's cold out here

But I treasure the mornings that I can ease into my day

 before the schedule dictates my time.

There are birds chirping an arm's length from me.  

A wild cat {think calico} is stalking prey nearby

and the sun is bathing the yard, 

creating shadows long and luminous..

It's here that I reflect on the weekend...

The Easter morning at our House of Worship-

Story retold of the One who wears my scars...

Day spent with children and family...

We are blessed 

Blessed, 

even in the pain of reality

even in days that are wrought with the unknown

even when the sun doesn't shine and all is shadow...

We're blessed because He is Ever Present...

in spite of it all.

So we  

 turn our thoughts towards the Celebration 

of Life

and Love

Redemption

and Grace...

And because of Easter, 

today is good.

And tomorrow will be, too.

..................

THIS

is what happens when you have a sister,

nieces and nephews who are artistic.

You don't just have colored eggs...

you have edible portraits.

"Come, Thou fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise.

While the hope of endless glory

Fills my heart with joy and love,

Teach me ever to adore Thee;

May I still Thy goodness prove..."

Happy Birthday, Mom...

"Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant 

and the rule of law under God is acknowledged." 

Ronald Reagan 

In our family, we celebrate FREEDOM on July 4th

but we also celebrate MOM.

Today is her birthday...

so, while we celebrate our country's freedom

we also celebrate her life 

and remember that without her, 

none of THIS:

Happy Birthday, Mom

We love you

and

celebrate YOU today!

"...Her children and her husband
   stand up and bless her."

traditions...

Although there's a few scenes and a little language I'd prefer to edit out, 

National Lampoon's Christmas vacation is among my all time favorite Christmas movies!

Tonight, the kids and I ordered a pizza, put on our warm jammies and cozied up on the couch to watch it...again.

{$2.99 on On Demand, folks}

This is one of my favorite scenes...

before the season is over, we'll have watched

The Nativity Story

Elf

A Christmas Story

It's a Wonderful Life

The Grinch

The Santa Clause movies

Charlie Brown

Rudolph

A Christmas Carol

Polar Express

Frosty

It's tradition...you HAVE to do it!

It's also tradition that we take a "personal day", just the four of us.  We shop, we eat, we laugh, and we buy our annual Christmas ornament.  The ornament always has to represent something big that happened in our family throughout the year.  I was thinking about a house this year, since we made a big move...but now I'm leaning more towards finding a raccoon..or maybe a family of them.  Totally tacky, but it does represent something big!   {Btw, the count is still at 2 for 4...the remaining two SEEM to have disappeared...but the verdict is still out}

I'm not sure I'll ever get used to continuing on with the traditions even though we're not all here.  It's just not the same with Alex at school while we carry on.  I'm counting the days until we're all under the same roof again!  

I ♥ MY FAMILY

"The universal joy of Christmas is certainly wonderful. We ring the bells when princes are born, or toll a mournful dirge when great men pass away. Nations have their red-letter days, their carnivals and festivals, but once in the year and only once, the whole world stands still to celebrate the advent of a life. Only Jesus of Nazareth claims this world-wide, undying remembrance. You cannot cut Christmas out of the Calendar, nor out of the heart of the world." 

Anonymous

coon continuation...

 The traps have been set for several days now.  I fully intended to capture a coon or two by now, but those overgrown rats are on to us.  They've changed up their route...AROUND the traps...not inside of them. 

 I officially hate them.

Alex is headed back to college tonight...we haven't seen much of him this weekend, so he has yet to fully experience the racoon-ness of our house.  

Until tonight...

We heard them scratching around the eaves of the house....

Coon hunter

And THEN...

we heard them in the attic...

 so Emma wanted in on the action...

THEN we heard them back in the walls of Nick's room...

 so they followed them in there...

"OPERATION KILL THE COONS"

SCORE:

Raccoons 3

Hersheys 0

{fyi..those are BB guns up there, no worries}

THIS came home with us today from the great tree farm called "Costco"

I wish I could say my kids have grown up with great memories of

 wielding a hatchet to cut down our Christmas tree every year.  

We HAVE done that....

but we've also hand picked ones from the grocery store parking lot, Lowe's, and now Costco.  

Last year we seriously considered a fake wannabe from Target, but it came down to budget.

And I'm too cheap to shell it out on a tree.

And right now, I'm glad.  

I'm sitting next to the tree enjoying the smell of Fraser Fir.  Her branches are still pointing North from being wrapped up for a few days at Costco.  By tomorrow I figure she'll be ready to be dressed.  No one really cares to help with the lights and ornaments anymore.  I can probably still convince Emma to help me, but sadly, they no longer anticipate opening the box of ornaments and separating them into piles.  

Another reminder that my troops are growing up....

More on the Christmas decorations and tree another day. 

 I may also share a little of our Christmas story this year.  

Things are going to be very different around here...

 "The merry family gatherings-- The old, the very young; 

The strangely lovely way they Harmonize in carols sung. 

For Christmas is tradition time-- 

Traditions that recall The precious memories down the years, The sameness of them all." 

-Helen Lowrie Marshall 

Hands..

"And let the beauty and delightfulness and favor of the Lord our God

 be upon us; confirm and establish the work of our hands...

yes, the work of our hands, confirm and establish it."

Psalm 90:17

Birthday surprises and more food....

Yesterday was my birthday...again.  Which is why these guys were hanging around my house...

When I was little my mom always made chocolate pumpkin-face cupcakes for me every year.  This year, even though my kids would have been happy without the tinted icing and faces, I decided to make them for old times sake.  

I ate MORE than my fair share of them...it's pathetic, really.

As I reflected on the day, I think yesterday was about the best birthday I've had in a long time.  Not because I scored awesome gifts, but because my day consisted of worship service in the morning and family all afternoon and evening.  My most favorite gift walked in my front door at 2:30pm.  Alex had played drums at his church at college, then hopped in his car to spend the day with me.  I had no idea he was coming, which made it even more special.  We sat in the living room and talked for a while...something we haven't done in a long time...too long.  He shared his heart with me over some things and we had a great time catching up.  {I'd been leaving him hints on Facebook to call his mother for about two weeks...surprising his me was much better!}  We spent the afternoon redeeming some free mini-golf tickets...something I haven't done in YEARS...and just laughed and soaked in the fall weather. 

 Together.  

It filled my love tank, for sure!

The evening was spent with the rest of the family at mom and dad's where I ate even MORE cake...red velvet, my favorite!  

It was a perfect day...

I didn't really intend for this whole post to be about food, but it is a reoccurring theme in my life, so why not!

I was blessed with a little gift of fresh grown broccoli and cauliflower this morning.  I already had some fresh store-bought broccoli, so it was a no-brainer that I should make Broccoli Cheddar soup. 

 I Googled Panera's recipe and gave it a try.  

 It took alot longer than my usual Broccoli Cheddar Soup...

but in the end it tasted exactly like my old recipe...but not exactly like Panera's.  

It called for Nutmeg, which I didn't have, so maybe that was the downfall.  It still tasted good on this chilly night-served with a side of Rosemary French bread and dipping oil...but I'll change a few things around the next time I attempt it.

 The picture makes it alot less appetizing than it really was..although, Emma did say it looked like vomit. 

 {It was a little hard to swallow after that comment}

Since I am on the subject of food, I might as well show you what Nick was up to today.  He woke himself up at 5am this morning to go archery hunting....then headed out later in the afternoon to go small game hunting and came home with THIS:

...once upon a time {like this morning} it looked like THIS:

I'm not exactly sure HOW you eat squirrel meat...nor am I about to find out...

All I've been told is that it has to soak for a while in salt water to get the rest of the HAIR off of it.  

Seriously.  It's been sitting on my kitchen counter for an hour...it's disgusting.

The tail is on the back porch...I do have limits!

That picture reminds me of a song Alex sang in preschool about 15 years ago...oh, how I wish I knew how to upload videos from my ancient video camera, it'd be such a treat to watch him "swish his bushy tail"!!!

Gray Squirrel

Gray Squirrel, Gray Squirrel,

Swish your bushy tail.

Gray Squirrel, Gray Squirrel,

Swish your bushy tail.

Wrinkle up your funny nose,

Crack a nut between your toes.

Gray Squirrel, Gray Squirrel,

Swish your bushy tail.

I don't even know how to wrap this up after the squirrel guts.  I hadn't thought it through very well before my fingers started blabbing...so let's end in the same way I started....

talking about food

In case you find yourself with a bowl of squirrel on YOUR kitchen counter, this website will walk you through making your own pot of yummy squirrel soup.

Or perhaps this is a more appealing way to cook your rodent.

...so many, many delicious choices...

Home...

I love home.  I love being here.  I love knowing it's here after a long day of running everyone around.  I love locking the door with us on the inside.  I love knowing that every night at about 10 o'clock my whole family is tucked in their beds all under the same roof.  {Not the same now that one of us is a full time college student, and only sleeps in his bed about four months out of the year...} 

My love for home isn't about how it looks or the stuff I have inside it.  It's not even about the four walls that hold a physical building together.  It's more about a place of refuge.  Refuge from the stresses that the outside world puts on me...from having to live up to other's expectations and allows me to just be ME.  

HOME is the state of being comfortable and content.  It's a place where I contemplate who I am and who I am becoming.  Home affords me the ability to stop.  

To rest.  

To refuel. 

I want my children to grow up with this kind of HOME as their heritage.  I want them to look back on the years they spent living at HOME as some of the best years of their lives. When they look back on these years, I want them to think fondly of the great times the four of us have had together...but I also want them to remember the faces of others who have come through here, too.

I want to foster the kind of HOME where those who consider this their permanent address enjoy it as much as those who come in and out to visit.  I want the echoes of laughter and the memories of heartfelt conversation to bounce off the walls of this place for years to come...and in the hearts of my children forever.

It's a strange thought that years ago my own parents, who lived within these same four walls, may have said these same things about HOME.  It must be why I remember missionaries coming and going, and friends stopping by to visit.  And it must be why I have this need in me to share my space, and the peace I find here, with others.  I want my doors to be open and the contents of my kitchen to be shared. 

These days, most of the visitors are twenty and under and have a preference for things like cookies and chips...and I like it that way. I hope in some way these visitors will look back on their memories and also see that this was a place that afforded them moments in time to see how HOME should be.

I have a {secret crush} over a writer named Donald Miller.  He's somewhat unconventional and sometimes makes me stop and contemplate everything I think I feel strongly about.  He loves Jesus freely and honestly.   I know nothing about the four walls he calls HOME..but he wrote THIS on his blog today and I'm pretty sure I get it...and like it.

So, I ask you...what is HOME to you?

“Home is the most popular, and will be the most enduring of all earthly establishments”

Channing Pollock

Our last day...

Sitting alone on the largest wrap-around porch you can imagine, I'm soaking in the quiet and peace of our last day of vacation.  Everyone is upstairs getting ready to start a new day, and I'm wondering how it's possible that this week could have gone by so quickly.  Last week, having gone through a move and then days and days of unpacking...was seemingly endless.  But it had the same amount of hours and days in it that this week had...although I am almost certain the clock ticked in double time this week.  Why is it that real life runs on slow speed and vacation runs on fast forward? 

There should be scientific research on this. 

Here's the thing about vacations...at least in our family.  You learn alot about people when you live in a smallish space with them for 24 hours a day.  Sometimes you learn things you wish you didn't know.  {ie: thongs in the laundry and tofu in the fridge}  Sometimes you learn things that concern you {which will go unnamed} and sometimes you learn things that just make you laugh {ie: SOMEone in our family has germ issues, and placing one of the forementioned thongs on our resident kitty is NOT funny to them...only to us}.  Anyway, the point is this: even when we think we know someone through and through, spending a whole week together is very eye opening.  AND...it gives us a chance put LOVE into practice, because, let's face it...even when we LOVE our family there are irritating quirks that drive us nuts.  Spending an abundance of time with them makes us have to live out who we say we are. 

It's not always easy, because I feel like I just have to say what I think about your attitude, or your immodest outfit, or your way of life.  But it's not my job to convict others and it's not my job to voice my opinion on everything I think.  {That stupid voice inside me tells me I should say exactly what I think....I hate that voice, it really wants to get me in alot of trouble}

My reading for today brought me here....quite appropriate for this last day together:

"Regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." 

Colossians 3

{The Message}

This is what happens....

when you vacation with someone who has a great camera and loves to take pictures, you don't bother using your pocket-sized "camera for dummies" because in the end you get to copy and paste pictures like this into your own photo album.  {and if you don't think too hard about it, you could convince yourself that you actually took the pictures, because after all, you were right there....}

a family stroll on the boardwalk

mom

dad

Lilly and Emma

{youngest in each family...}

Nick and I

{wait...I must say this, if I were the one actually taking the pictures, I would NEVER have taken ghastly pictures of the rest of the family and posted them all over Facebook..I'm SURE of it.}

the feet of my family...

in a rare together moment...

even though one refused to cooperate...

"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like."

Saint Augustine

Cousins enjoying each other's company

Pierrot the traveling cat

a perfect sunrise...

"No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?"

Elbert Hubbard

{the photographer}

We've begun a new day with some quiet time on the large porch,

a bike ride to the best donuts in the country...

{picture taken on my camera phone...don't want to offend the real photographer!}

As I look around me right now, there's a "craft table", a video game tourney, some computer addicts {not me!} and a few who are just staring into blissful space.

We've acclimated to beach life...

and have decided we're not coming home.

Ever.