I'm not really sure where this post is going to end up...I try not to sit here until I feel like I have something to say. There's always SOMETHING to say...but it doesn't always need to be heard! This morning there are a lot of things running through my mind...some are a little choppy and fragmented...most just a conglomeration of a lot of unanswered questions.
I have more than my share of time to kill these days. I am NOT complaining...I could get used to deciding my schedule each morning. BUT, on the other hand, the fact that I have seemingly no choice in the matter brings up the point that I don't really want it to stay this way forever!
So, while I have the "luxury" of time these days, I'm doing my best to get the most out of the quiet hours. Last Thursday a new year of Bible study began at church...something I ALWAYS look forward to. The book that we're starting out with is appropriately named, "Annointed, Transformed, Redeemed" (The Study of the Life of David). I identify so much with David...I guess why I am drawn often to reading of the Psalms. I love his honesty, his pure search for God, and his freedom to cry it out "like it is". The first few years of being a single mom, these chapters were all I could seem to digest...their words held a healing balm to my oozing heart.
So, how appropriate that my healed heart should return back to David's at another time of questioning and searching for answers to my life's circumstances.
I beat myself up alot...question that I am listening correctly, following correctly, and just plain responding correctly. Lately I've been wondering why my heart is at rest to the situation in front of me:
I have no job. No sign of one in the near future. I have a business that is packed up in storage with no direction of what to do with it. I have bills. And I have a need for a man's-sized salary....and no indication of how on earth that is possible! My life could actually make a pretty funny book. Because, while there is a real LACK of resolution to so many issues (some might call it chaos, even!), there is this crazy PEACE that surrounds my daily life.
Back to my tendancy to question myself (and the reason I actually sat down to post this)...I've been questioning this peace. (Huh?!) Yes, questioning if perhaps the peace was actually disguising complacency. I question if I'm just enjoying this time so much that I don't actually want to hear the direction I should be hearing. But that makes no sense because I'm positioning myself to hear, I'm reading the Word, I'm listening to others around me and I'm pursuing the heart of God.
This morning, while sitting here to work on my Bible study
I read something that finally explained it clearly to me. I've been reading about David's pursuit of God. His desire to include Him in every decision and every action of his life. (I kind of think I'd like to meet a modern-day David...he's my kind of man!) David had been anointed by Samuel when he was 15, but he waited for 15 more years to become king of Judah...that's a long time. During that time he pursued God...made HIM an intrical part of his decision-making processes. And, when David asked...God answered....HE made HIS plans clear. And then David obeyed them. David's life was a picture of what it looks like to pursue God. And because of it, he lived a life of PEACE.
Rather than taking matters into his own hands, he asked for wisdom, waited for it (peacefully), then obeyed HIS orders.
"Peace characterizes the person who trusts God." P. Shirer
There's that word that I've been questioning in my own life...is it real or is it complacency??? The following verse, which I've read umpteen times, jumped out at me differently this morning...
"Don't worry about ANYthing; instead pray about EVERYthing. Tell God what you need and THANK Him for all He has done. THEN you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7 (NLT)
MY VERSION: I am not to worry about ANY thing. But to pray about EVERY thing. I am to lay my needs in front of Him and THANK HIm for what He's already done for me (SO MUCH!). And, after that I will experience HIS peace which will go beyond what I can understand - it will not make sense, especially when it is in the "eye" of a life of seemingly unresolved chaos....but it WILL be there. And, that peace will guide me - as long as the peace is there, I am on track - the moment it is gone, I must look to see where I left it behind to follow my own way....and go back there to resume. Where there is peace I must stay put...this peace is my compass.
DEEP BREATH....this peace is good.
3 comments:
Hi Honey
I am sitting here catching up with your blog this morning at 8:50 and know that at this moment you are sitting downtown waiting for your meeting at Domestic Relations. I am praying that this peace you radiate will permiate your heart and soul this morning and that the Lord will wonderfully intervene and bring you everything you need for these children He has entrusted to you. He is bigger than your need.
Oh, that He would bring you a "David"!
I love you...Mom
I am FINALLY connecting the dots as to whom "Consume Me" is!!!! As I am functioning on relatively few brain cells, I hope you'll forgive me!!! When the "light turned on", and I realized who sent yet another kind comment on my blog, I remembered the quick thought that perhaps I had seen YOU at Costco today. Yes, that indeed was I waddling around the warehouse today, and you made my WEEK with your compliment about the belly. I was wearing the last remaining outfit that is fit for the public & yet was still feeling very frumpy/dumpy. But enough about me... I have thoroughly enjoyed reading through your blog & in the process, getting a sense of your heart through the honesty & poignency of your writing. While I know little of the specifics of your history, I know enough to understand you have weathered trials that would leave you every reason to be bitter and cynical...& yet I sense a complete lack of those attributes in your writing. And yet, your thoughts are so refreshing in their honesty (a sorely lacking quality among Christ-followers in my thinking) and you are truly "the real deal". I have never walked in a circumstance like yours (as far as being left to raise children and live and support yourself solo)...& the only way I can even ever-so-slightly imagine is that my husband was a divorced single dad when I met him, and has faced the fury of hell in dealing with a very, very difficult ex-spouse. I won't elaborate on here, but his life experience has touched mine to some level...and I am amazed at your perseverance through all the on-going "stuff" ( there are many more fitting, albeit cruder, terms that I could insert here) that you have walked through. I know your Source of strength & i know how sufficiently able He is...you are having to discover that more deeply than most ever will (I would guess that some days you tell Him you 've gone "deep enough" for now, thank you very much!!!)
I'm up this late due to my hands feeling like their on fire, as Very apparently carpal tunnel has set in full force during this last leg of pregnancy...typing is not helping much! But I HAD to write you after reading through several of your posts & also having it "click" in terms of your identity! Thank you so much for sharing your heart, being "real" and making my day with your comment!
Good evening my friend. I have just spent the last half hour reading through all of your posts, which left me feeling so blessed to know you. You have a real outlook on life, on God and your relationship to Him, on true "peace" and where it comes from, and on mothering and what really matters in this job we were given. I loved reading through everything you shared from your heart. I loved seeing the many pictures which included your precious children. You have no idea how many times God brings you into my mind, or how many times I breathe a prayer for you...asking Him to give you clear, bold, direction in life. He gifted you in many areas of life, for a special reason, and I will be so eager to see what is ahead. Thank you for blogging. For writing the thoughts that are on your heart. I always enjoy my visits.
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