The Crucible

Today marks the beginning of the end of Nick's 3 month Boot Camp sequestering.  I'm not sure that's even a word...but that's how it feels on this end.  He has been separate from family and friends and, but for 15 letters, has been silent to us.  We've all had it up to HERE...

and so today could not come quick enough for us.

Today starts the dreaded 54 hour Crucible. 

{Crucible- "noun- a vessel made of material that does not melt easily"}

His last letters have admitted some anxiety over the unknown and the fear of injury or illness

 that would cause Graduation Day to change.  

When all I can do is offer words of encouragement

I resolve my thoughts that

it is enough.

My mom-heart aches with the knowledge that my child is in pain and is 

homesick and just wants to feel freedom...

But signing up meant

signing over...

for both of us.

And when I lay in bed and cannot recall having had caffeine for hours

and cannot for the life of me figure out why I am still awake....

and then awake again...

I realize that when something is a part of you-

even when that something is a grown 19 year old young man-

You cannot shake their pain,

because it's grafted in.

Their pain is your pain.

Their anxiety is by default, yours.

And so I acknowledge that the pounding heart is not coffee-induced

it is my reminder 

my ever present reminder

I'm a mom...

and I must again take every thought captive

and breathe deep...

deeper

 ^"Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Philippians 4:7

So even when I have reminded myself of this hour upon hour through the night

and even when I wake with still, that pounding heart of unintentional anxiety...

there are these words that breathe peace through my frame.

Trusting Him to "settle me down" all throughout the next 2 1/2 days

because apparently my mind and my body are not in sync.