It's been a long time since I've felt the freedom to just sit and type here. That sounds so dramatic- even as I type it, that's what I hear. But it's the truth...or at least my perception of it. There's been times I've felt I had something to say, and then found myself mute when my fingers touched the keyboard. So like a good girl, I've taken my mom's advice and not said anything at all since I had nothing good to say.
But these last days, as the New Year approaches, I've been reflecting on the months and weeks behind me- their fullness, their struggle, their joy and their mystery. I've looked back on the block of twelve months that is taking its' last bow and I've been remembering the word that I'd taken at its first start, the word that was God-whispered even while I had no idea why. The word written down in my home, as a reminder, because I knew I would surely need it.
Praise
That's the word. One word, one syllable, but huge in its' expectation. It loomed large last January as I wondered why this word, why not another? I knew there would be a reason I would need to remember it throughout the 365 days that were ahead. And it was the knowing that scared me. Because if I was to remember to Praise, then there was sure to be a reason/s that I might be tempted to forget...
And of course, God knew. He knew He had better plant roots of Praise deep if they were going to blossom when needed. He always knows what I need before I do...and I like knowing that He's got my back- that He sees before and behind me before I even open my eyes to what's around me.
"Spread for me a banquet of praise,
serve High God a feast of kept promises,
And call for help when you’re in trouble—
I’ll help you, and you’ll honor me.
It’s the praising life that honors me.
As soon as you set your foot on the Way,
I’ll show you my salvation.”
Psalm 50
There have been days this year that I've passed this word and this scripture, penned in a prominent place- and I've quieted, knowing that He had it all planned out. He'd given warning that I would need to remember. He had it all under control. And what He asked of me was the repetition of Praise.
Even in the moments of
fear of what the future holds
a son taking up a new life as a husband
another son taking to new work on a Marine base
and a house empty of boys
in a young lady finding her bearings
in her eyes being opened to boys {{shudder}}
in her injury on a lacrosse field
and subsequent surgery
and months
and months
and months of physical therapy
in a job that I love-but takes more than what I have in me some days
in the struggle of trying to do all things well
in my need for quiet, but finding none
in a house with a sink hole
and a month lived with the parents
in the Insurance Co. who said, "NO"
and in the men who raised up to help us
in a dog out of control
and the finding of a new home for her
in the yard and house that wait constant attention
in the leak of the sink
the dishwasher that fails at its job
in the lonely moments
and in moments of no answers
In all of these things that have surfaced this year- and the others that silently go unmentioned- He asked me to remember Praise. Because He knew they were coming and tried to get me ready. He knew I'd need to avert my attention to something Higher than me.
He knew I would need to know that above all
He is still God
Above all of the ache, inconvenience, misunderstanding, fear, frustration, loneliness and struggle
was Him
And my Praise-
even the pathetic attempt at it
was the looking glass that magnified His presence in our lives.
I don't think it's coincidence that He picked Praise for my yearly word-
He knew I'd need it to settle down and let Him be Him.
As a new year looms, He's already planted His new word for me. I have yet to understand why this word, but I guess it's not for me to know yet. The word keeps popping up in my view, almost too much, really. As if to say- "Did you notice me again- don't miss it." Like last year, I'm just going with it -even though I am not quite sure what to do with it. It's a little more vague than last year's word. And I'm still trying to get a vision for what He means by it. I'll wait to post it until the New Year...and maybe have a better idea of how to see its' value in my life this coming year.
To 2013,
thanks for all you've taught me
for the good and the bad
for the laughter and the tears
and for knowing when it's time to gracefully bow out.
Until next year....
