The decline of a nation that claims it stands for justice...

I couldn't help but notice some of the words that President Obama effortlessly 

spoke during his Inaugural speech yesterday...

things like:

"Together, we resolved that a great nation must care for the vulnerable, and protect its people from life’s worst hazards and misfortune. "

AND

" We are true to our creed when a little girl born into the bleakest poverty knows that she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else, because she is an American, she is free, and she is equal, not just in the eyes of God but also in our own."

{btw...that little girl is only free AFTER she is born.  

She is not free..or equal..or an American while in her mother's womb. Not to mention the part -"in the eyes of God but ALSO IN OUR OWN".}

AND

"We, the people, still believe that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity."

{DO we?  Really?}

AND

"Our journey is not complete until all our children, from the streets of Detroit to the hills of Appalachia to the quiet lanes of Newtown, know that they are cared for, and cherished, and always safe from harm. "

{This does not include unborn children, either}

He spoke of 

"human dignity and justice"

And he ended with

"Thank you, God Bless you, and may He forever bless these United States of America."

In light of today's Anniversary of Roe v. Wade I can't help but wonder if that very same God

may, in fact, take offense to having his name brought up in this speech

when He so obviously has not been included in some pretty important decisions our country has made.

How dare we ask Him to bless what we have so selfishly taken upon our own to decide...

when we have killed what He has created- 

do we really have a right to ask Him to BLESS US FOREVER?

There are a lot of things that politicians and the media speak of that I do not feel qualified to speak up on 

but this one thing I know...

the continual legalization and slaughter of innocent babies is not okay.  

I sit with young women weekly who regret their choice to end the life of their unborn babies.

They mourn what could have been...what should have been.

They have nightmares

and guilt

and depression

and contemplate suicide

They want to turn back time and have a do-over.

This country that "promotes" human dignity and justice

has failed these young women by giving them the choice of abortion...

and then leaving them to pick up the pieces of regret for years.

I don't often rant about current issues here...

but this one hits close to my heart.  

Don't believe the lies that abortion doesn't hurt anyone.

Don't believe that once it is done, it is over.

Today...on an Anniversary that should be anything but celebrated,

let's not ask God to bless us,

but rather ask Him to show us a way out of the mess we've gotten ourselves into.

It's never too late to do the right thing...

but let's stop trying to cover over it by asking to be blessed forever instead.

Interesting reading here
and here

THIS is what happens when a Nation turns their back..

It's time to stop celebrating our freedoms and rights

and start standing up for what IS right

It's time to stop turning a blind eye to the reality 

and get real and honest.

It's time to stop...

Holding me steady...

I re-read Psalm 63...searching for the phrase that holds me

the words that push me to be what I'm not

Steady

And the thing is, before I can be steady-

there are those other words...

"I hold on to You for dear life"

And even when I think I am holding on for dear life,

obviously, I'm not...

because some days I feel anything but steady.

Some days when I lean too heavy into the unknowns of the future

when I feel a burden to say too much to someone who doesn't want to hear

when I carry deep a feeling that all is not right with those I love....

on those days

days like today...

I need a reminder to let go of what I'm carrying in my hands

and hold on to You for dear life...

And sometimes I have to repeat the words

even when I don't feel the words

Because I want to live the words 

and sometimes living just takes mental practice...

And so I repeat...

"God—you’re my God!

    I can’t get enough of you!

I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,

    traveling across dry and weary deserts.

So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,

    drinking in your strength and glory.

In your generous love I am really living at last!

    My lips brim praises like fountains.

I bless you every time I take a breath;

    My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;

    I smack my lips. It’s time to shout praises!

If I’m sleepless at midnight,

    I spend the hours in grateful reflection.

Because you've always stood up for me,

    I’m free to run and play.

I hold on to you for dear life,

    and you hold me steady as a post...'

Psalm 63

New Year Praise...

2013



 

For the last few years I've started the New Year asking for a word to focus on...

what I hear is usually something that I have either been

working on

or

NEED to be working on.

 

2011 was the year of 

JOY

 

And throughout the year there were many times that I was reminded to choose joy,

rather than

 complain

or despair

or worry

 

Not that I always chose JOY...

but I knew it was the response GOD wanted me to make into a habit.

 

2012 was the year of

TRUST

 

and as I look back now and can see the whole year from the other side,

I realize that God was preparing me, way back in January, for many changes and unknowns.

 

There were many times that I had to reread the scripture above in Proverbs..

I especially came to like how The Message worded these verses.

 

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God!"

 

Many a day I needed to remember that, while things felt out of control to me,

God had not turned His eyes away from me or my family...

and I could TRUST Him to handle all of the unknowns.

 

When Nick announced he wanted to be a Marine

 

and when

Alex announced he would wed his love during Nick's 10 day leave

 

 

or Emma sat behind the wheel of my car for the first time

 

Then...and many, many more times throughout the year

I needed to remember to TRUST God's hand and His heart for us.

 

So this year it was time to ask for a new word..

and the word that kept coming to me was

PRAISE

 

One never knows how many changes one year can bring...

I suppose if I really thought about it I'd find a lot of reasons to be

anxious or worry or question...

But since it helps nothing to borrow from what

I don't yet need to deal with, I won't.

 

Today is enough

and today I choose to PRAISE

And I'll do my best to choose it again

tomorrow

and throughout the coming year

 

Even when things don't make sense

when I am surprised by new changes

or shocked

or afraid

or concerned

or unsure

or lonely...

 

I'll choose to PRAISE the One who orchestrates all of life

and all that comes with it

I already know there will be days I won't want to Praise...

and I know that there may very well be good reason why

this year's word is PRAISE..

because, chances are, there will come a day when

something unexpected will force me

to have to trust that God sees something I can not..

and it will only be because I've made a decision to PRAISE,

that I'll be able to...

 

for all of these reasons,

and ones I've yet to know...

 

2012 had some pretty hard things to swallow for our family...

but there were great days

and moments that we will share together in our memories

We learned to be flexible

to breathe deep in the moment

and we learned a little bit more about what it means to

TRUST

 

But now...

"I hereby declare the year 2013 to be

the Hershey house's year of

PRAISE"

 

"Are you listening, dear people?

I’m getting ready to speak;

This is God, your God,

speaking to you...

Spread for me a banquet of praise,
serve High God a feast of kept promises,
And call for help when you’re in trouble—
I’ll help you, and you’ll honor me.

Time’s up for playing fast and
loose with me.
I’m ready to pass sentence,
and there’s no help in sight!
It’s the praising life that honors me.
As soon as you set your foot on the Way,
I’ll show you my salvation.”

Psalm 50

 

 

All is sacred...

"And what God had cleaned, she could not call common again — her there in a sacred mess of grace"

Words of wisdom from AnnV this morning...thank you.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/12/the-best-way-to-do-christmas-cleaning

The Crucible

Today marks the beginning of the end of Nick's 3 month Boot Camp sequestering.  I'm not sure that's even a word...but that's how it feels on this end.  He has been separate from family and friends and, but for 15 letters, has been silent to us.  We've all had it up to HERE...

and so today could not come quick enough for us.

Today starts the dreaded 54 hour Crucible. 

{Crucible- "noun- a vessel made of material that does not melt easily"}

His last letters have admitted some anxiety over the unknown and the fear of injury or illness

 that would cause Graduation Day to change.  

When all I can do is offer words of encouragement

I resolve my thoughts that

it is enough.

My mom-heart aches with the knowledge that my child is in pain and is 

homesick and just wants to feel freedom...

But signing up meant

signing over...

for both of us.

And when I lay in bed and cannot recall having had caffeine for hours

and cannot for the life of me figure out why I am still awake....

and then awake again...

I realize that when something is a part of you-

even when that something is a grown 19 year old young man-

You cannot shake their pain,

because it's grafted in.

Their pain is your pain.

Their anxiety is by default, yours.

And so I acknowledge that the pounding heart is not coffee-induced

it is my reminder 

my ever present reminder

I'm a mom...

and I must again take every thought captive

and breathe deep...

deeper

 ^"Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Philippians 4:7

So even when I have reminded myself of this hour upon hour through the night

and even when I wake with still, that pounding heart of unintentional anxiety...

there are these words that breathe peace through my frame.

Trusting Him to "settle me down" all throughout the next 2 1/2 days

because apparently my mind and my body are not in sync.

Trying to see...

Inevitably, it happens to almost all of us

and it happened to me, too...

the words on a page used to be so easy to see

and now suddenly, not.

I am not sure how one can have 20/20 vision and still need these...

but, it happens...

And it's funny how a little reading glass with a 1.0 prescription can make a difference

Who knew?  

I fought it for months, 

feigning perfect vision

Now, 

when I read or stare at the screen

the words are brighter and I see more clearly...

 Because of the pace of life right now

I'm trying to see other things more clearly, too.

You'd think with less kids in the house there'd be more time 

but with more working hours

and a full sports schedule

and just day to day life-

it seems like there's never enough hours in the day to just 

SEE

Every morning, on the way home from the school drop-off,

I pass this field

And because it's wide open and over my left shoulder

I cannot help but be reminded that

 as the sun rises again

I have a new chance to breathe in all that a day holds

with eyes that really see what is around me

Before a day is spent behind closed doors 

in an office with no windows

there is this sunrise...

this slowing down panoramic picture

that reminds me that I am still one of the little people

in a great big world

and I need to remember my place..

and slow down my pace

and see His Almighty hand 

right there

in front of me.

In the harried busyness is where I lose myself...

I am found

HE is found 

in the slow, open-eyed gaze 

of a life that stops to notice.

It doesn't come naturally to me in this schedule that I am still trying to get used to...

I see only when I slow to listen..

He beckons,

but so often I miss Him..

so busy just trying to keep things steady.

Trying to do it alone and well..

Trying to parent well,

work well,

keep a home well,

encourage well...

"Only in the slowing, the sitting down at the table, when His hands held the bread and the thanks fell from His tongue, do the open-eyed, the wide-eyed, see the Face they face {Luke 24:13-36} The FAST have spiritually SLOW hearts...and I don't reach forward and I don't reach back and I weigh the moment down with full attention here...I want to slow down and taste life, give thanks, and see God..." Ann Voskamp

All things {NEW}...

I was pretty excited to see the rain this morning.  

Thought it would be pretty great to spend my day off  burrowed inside, 

wrapped up in a warm blanket with coffee and a good book...

Until I remembered that today's the day that my house gets invaded by a bunch of stranger-men.

I dream of the day some man walks in my house and asks if he can stay...

but these are not THAT kind of man.  

These are here to blow insulation into my attic, 

which I am finding out is a huge production and apparently with all the extra work they have found, 

could take a couple of DAYS...

which can only mean that I will have to share ANOTHER day off with these fine gentlemen.

{Insert grateful, yet disappointed attitude, here.}

So, since I can't use either bathroom or walk down any hallway without bumping into a stranger,

I'm holding myself hostage in the back room with my computer and my favorite warm blanket.

There's only so much I can do back here, but since sitting at my computer makes me look busy, 

I'll do this.

I think it's time to give the blog a makeover...it looks too cheery and cutesy.

So I thought I would change it up and give it a cleaner look...

except the link to change the background has completely disappeared and 

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get rid of what you are presently looking at.

And while trying to figure that out, I somehow messed up the title font and that can't seem to

change back either.  

So I'm 0 for 2.

I'll try something else.

I've been doing a lot of reminiscing lately.  

I'm working on a project with a group of ladies that has me doing a lot of thinking about my past.

I don't like to think about the ugly details, so I don't very often,

but the reality of over a decade of singleness can't be ignored...

it is just part of my life story.

And while I don't like to dwell on what caused my single life, 

ignoring it can cause me to forget God's faithfulness throughout the 

journey of pain, rejection and healing...

So I've been remembering the good stuff that came out of the pain

and sometimes remembering is good

and soul-feeding.  

{When life as we knew it changed}

{Today}

Sometimes it is what you need so that you can remember that 

you never want to go back

to the way things were before.

But not wanting to go back doesn't mean that you don't long for some of the same.

I long for some of the same..

but in a more healthy, LIFE-producing way.

Something Sacred that includes 

commitment 

and honor 

and promises kept.

And I won't settle for less 

or compromise because I'm tired of doing life alone.

Reminiscing always brings me back to these same thoughts..

and if I dwell on them too long

it's not good for me.

But if I stay just long enough, it keeps me on track and 

reminds me that God is still in the business of creating 

all things new

and I'm good with that because I could use 

a little something new some days.

Quiet, no laundry and counting...

It's quieter around our house these days...

and there's less laundry in the hamper.

I like quiet

and I hate laundry.

And even though the reasons behind the realities are far from my favorite...

It's a good day

I just decided this right now.

Look at me,

being all serendipitous!

In other news...

Someone is having a sixteenth birthday this week

I know this because every time I turn on my phone I am reminded...

1 day, 19 hours, 52 minutes and 22 seconds from now

 I will officially have another eligible driver in my house....sigh.

Driver's Ed rates right up there with potty training, as far as I'm concerned.

This is also being counted down...

As is this...

There's a lot of counting going on around here...

But I'm trying to consider today and count it in, too.

I'm trying.

It's not easy with the pace we sometimes keep...

But I'm trying to 

"consider it ALL joy"

even today.

Adjusting to change..

It's been way over a month since I have sat to put words down here.

I'm not sure I am ready yet...

but I guess it's time.

I've kept my thoughts and feelings mostly bottled up and set aside for months,

except for the few who have asked and stuck around for the answer,

I've not been ready to even voice out loud what is tucked away so deeply.

I guess it's a mama's way of survival - 

to push down deep...those feelings of change, 

so that we don't crack

or break completely

I've pushed them down hard for months

partly because I didn't want to spend my time ruminating 

when there was still so much life here in this house...

I didn't want to miss a moment

I was busy savoring and storing mental pictures away for a rainy day...

Since there's rain in the forecast for today...

Here it is...

I am here...in a quiet house...

wondering where all the mothering years have gone.

My firstborn has turned 22

my middle has donned a uniform and is trudging through Marine Boot Camp 

and my babygirl is about to turn 16.

There is a wedding in the near future,

Alex will wed his high school sweetheart...

and I am so proud and so filled with joy for them.

They have chosen to walk the tough road of relationships...

to have dated for so long and remained faithful to their commitment-

it makes my mother-heart proud.

I guess the hardest part of these last months has been the anticipation of Nick's departure.

He is one week into the thirteen week Boot Camp..

and every morning I wake suddenly-

before the light of the day-

 with a prayer for him on my lips,

a begging for strength and endurance

for health and 

for a Remaining in Him..

and thirteen weeks of no communication is tough on a mama 

who has always been right there...

There will be a brief reunion of family

ten days with him...

and a wedding- 

orchestrated around him and his schedule...

because brothers matter and he needed to be there, 

standing in support...

But then, he'll be gone again...

this time much farther away and for a longer period of time.

And for a mama who has always been there,

the cutting away hurts like crazy.

That he has chosen to serve his country swells my heart,

but the sacrifice is great...

for all of us.

And it could knock the wind out of me

if I let it.

And I'm trying not to let it...

and what gets me through is this girl...

She still wakes up here every morning.

She still has so much to say after a long day of school..

and she still needs her mama to be there.

And I see how fleeting it is,

this mama-thing.  

And I don't want her to feel slighted..

as if the best parenting was done before she was done.

There are three more years to go with her here

I choose to be present for each one of them...

I'm not really sure how we got here...

Just yesterday they were playing in the backyard together..

and literally hanging all over me...

And I'm not really sure how to settle all of this in my heart...

maybe, as moms, we never really "get over it"

or maybe in time it will feel right...

I'll admit that I have to force myself not to look ahead into
 the not-so-distant-future-

to the time when Emma has graduated

and the house is empty

except for me...

It is a daunting thought...

overwhelming

and sad

It's not the picture I had laid out for myself, for sure...

my picture included another person-

and joy in having time to ourselves

This picture...

well, I'm not really sure what to do with it.

So I'm stuffing this little piece back down further...

it is another day's concern-

not for today.

I am choosing not to borrow from tomorrow,

but it is a daily-sometimes momentary decision.

I am choosing to believe that today is important,

even when sometimes it feels so insignificant....

I am choosing to relish the 

here and now

with her

...because she brings so much joy to our home...

All of my parenting years I have chosen to believe over what I see

and I'm still believing...

still drawing strength from the Truth that lies beneath all this 

change

And if you see me, I hope you will see a smile on my face

but if you don't 

it's not because I'm not okay..

it's just because I'm a mama at heart

and being a mama means there will always be 

pain in the growing

and struggle in the changes.

But being a mama also means I will rise up
and do the job that needs to be done...

because that's what mama's do...

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, 

and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  

~Linda Wooten

Life...

My day started with an overwhelming feeling of being overwhelmed.  

There's no better way to say that.

As much as I love

my life

my job

my family

sometimes the fleshing out of day to day life is just plain hard.

Keeping it all together while keeping up with the schedule

is a challenge for me.

I LOVE my job,

but I don't love being a working mom.

It's a dichotomy that I can't fully explain...

nor do I feel I have to make excuses to TRY to explain it

It just is what it is.

And so, on mornings like this morning,

when my heart wants to stay home

while my body is heading into work

I choose.

I choose to be thankful for a job

because others are looking desperately for one...

I choose to be joyful

when what I really want to do is complain...

I choose to breathe gratitude in deeply

instead of exhaling my discontentment...

I choose...

I choose to choose these things-

because if I don't choose, 

I'm afraid it'll get pretty ugly.

  After whispered pleas of help,

another work day began...

An unexpected call from Nick a few hours later stopped me short...

We're counting down the weeks and days until he will ship out to 

Marine Boot Camp.

5 1/2 weeks and 38 days, to be precise...

We've tucked them into a very neat pile and choose not to dwell heavily

on the impending day...

my excuse goes something like,

"We don't have to think about this today because it's still pretty far away 

and we have time.."

But today we came face to face with reality.

The panicked call revealed a ship date of

MONDAY MORNING

After calling my sister and sending a quick SOS to praying friends, 

I had no choice but to turn around and continue to work...

{Insert silent prayers of my own: begging God to grant me tunnel vision and the ability to 

block out my emotions for a few more hours}

My parents are traveling in Africa 

Alex is away for the weekend

and my kids were home alone, processing...

After multiple texts and a constant stream of silent prayers,

a loophole was found and the early date was avoided.

But not before I realized that there are lessons to learn from this day...

Lessons like:

If I say I am a trusting Christian, then I need to BE one.

If I say that God is my peace, then I need to let Him be when I need it.

If I choose joy in one difficult situation, then I know full well that I have to choose it in the next one, too.

Time is short and it will not wait until I am "ready".

I felt my singleness today more than ever.

I realize that I will be processing through this day to day on my own.

I have a super network of support...

but day to day, it's just me

and that's overwhelming.

We will make it through

I will make it through...

this is a new journey- veering off onto a sometimes unwelcomed path

I don't relish what lies ahead...

but it's coming sooner rather than later.

I am overwhelmed but not overtaken...

Today we're healthy

we're together

and tomorrow is another new day...

   "I hold on to you for dear life, 

      and you hold me steady as a post." 

Psalm 63

There's something about this great big porch

we've returned to it for many years

and it's become familiar

and maybe that's why

memories flow

sentimentality takes over in waves

And again this morning...

I'm here

and all that 

has been 

is

and will be

are resonating in me all at once..

I'm full with what only a mama knows...

the days are fleeting quickly...

and I'm holding fast 

I'm breathing deep in today...

and yesterday

holding off tomorrow...

"Praise be to the LORD,

for He has heard my cry for mercy.

The LORD is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him, 

and He helps me..."

Psalm 28:6-7